Satin Breeze
It’s been a hard couple of days—one of those deep depressions that makes the body too weary to move. Sunday, after struggling through my workout and being sociable with my family, I grabbed a big bag...
View ArticleBecoming
What a wacky week. On one hand, the rapid cycling and slow-motion despair dragged me into a “What’s the Use?” thought loop that quickly spiraled into suicidal ideation. On the other hand, I was this...
View ArticleAnger and Compulsive Eating
Part of the pledge we say every week in TOPS is “I am an intelligent person. I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me.” Emotional eating, compulsive eating, is an enormous...
View ArticlePendulum Swing
Today the bipolar pendulum swings deep into depression. The drive to sleep through it, to eat through it, pulls me like beefy fists wrapped around my shirt with another pushing me from behind. I...
View ArticleWhat Scared Looks Like
I’m scared. I’ve gone through bad episodes before. Being a “brittle” bipolar, that’s just a fact of life. Some I get through with more grace and humor than others. This isn’t one of those episodes....
View ArticleHallmark Doesn’t Make a Card for This
Birthdays kinda suck. It’s not the part about getting older. That’s actually a triumph for me—making it through another year. No, it’s all those demands to be happy, and to celebrate, and to have a...
View ArticleNot Quite Bad-Ass
I know what I need to do. After a long spell of rapid cycling, mixed states, stressful situations and physical illness, my protocol is to summon the Bad-Ass and pull my life back together. It’s a time...
View ArticleZero Sum Bad-Assery
I happen to be a Libra. And bipolar. The irony of this tickles me no end. While the Libra part of me strives for balance and harmony, the bipolar part makes sure that doesn’t happen. It’s a...
View ArticleHysteria in Aisle Two
I woke up yesterday frantic, bolted out of bed and grabbed up my journal. Something had to be done. I needed a plan. The day before I’d stepped on the scale at the Y. Twenty pounds had crept back...
View ArticleBack to Work
I just finished reading Fat City, an article by Dr. Karen Hitchcock about the convoluted problem of obesity (Thanks to David Kanigan for leading me there). It’s a long article, but worthwhile. My main...
View ArticleReturning
If there’s an up side to rapid cycling, it’s that nothing last for long. I get a few days now to reengage and refocus. What I learned in the hospital this time around, is that being a social animal is...
View ArticleSeason of Change
This is sort of a big week. Wednesday will be my last Support Group session. Thursday, my mom returns home from the nursing home. Big changes. And change is always a little dangerous for anyone...
View ArticleSnapping Out of It
Everyone I know is a little discombobulated. The holidays, the bitter cold—they’ve taken the normal way of things and dumped them, head first, in a snow bank. It helps knowing others are...
View ArticleEvery Moment
At our Thursday TOPS meetings we draw a Pledge for the coming week. It’s usually something healthy and weight-related we’re called to do every day—a reminder to keep proper nutrition and management at...
View ArticleWait! What?
I just realized that what I do every day is not spend money and not eat. All my attention is focused on these anti-compulsions. Awesome! I’m so completely Bad-Ass now I can hardly stand myself!
View ArticleTreasuring the Rope
In a bipolar life, there are days, weeks, sometimes months, where the illness never lets up. Most of the time, I can ride those long spells. They’re a fact of my life. I understand that. But, I...
View ArticleGoals for the Next 30 Days: Lose 8 Pounds
I knew when I wrote that goal down that it was pretty unrealistic, but I’m more interested in the process than the final result. To that end, I’m taking a lot of positive, healthy, nurturing steps in...
View ArticleTempest in a Teacup
Here I am, finishing up my second week of work. The stress is enormous, not just for me, but for everyone trying to learn this new program and making up the next steps as they are needed. The real...
View Article“Muddle, Muddle, Soil and Scrubble”
“By the ticking of my gums! Yon convicted speaks in tongues!” This reads like Shakespeare to me. Just an example of how my brain is functioning these days. It’s a comprehensive mixed bag, this version...
View ArticleOld Song
The bronchitis has run its course, but the wake of bipolar ping-ponging still bounces me. And I’m desperate to find some equilibrium. Looking at my journal entries from last year around this time, I...
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